Feminist Porn is the Best Christmas Gift

In today’s RedEye, my ethical porn article. #thebestxmasgift!

Finding that perfect holiday gift is like mission stupid and annoying especially with only a few days til D-Day. I’m here to tell you the solution is easy. Porn. Yes porn. This holiday season buy your special someone some ethical and possibly even feminist porn.

Read the full article below or here!

I got retweeted by Tristan Taormino!!!!

I got retweeted by Tristan Taormino!!!!

Porn is the Perfect Holiday Gift 

Buying holiday gifts blows. You’ve got to get him something meaningful but useful, something she wants not needs, something unique and worthy of posting filtered images of on Facebook Christmas morning. Finding that perfect holiday gift is like mission stupid and annoying especially with only a few days til D-Day.

I’m here to tell you the solution is easy. Porn. Yes porn. This holiday season buy your special someone some ethical and possibly even feminist porn.

Of course we don’t usually associate porn with the Christmas season (and rightfully so with the whole birth of baby jesus thing). When we think of porn we usually think of that free, low-quality crap that pornhub pumps out. We think of creepy “casting couches,” fake boobs and even faker female orgasms.

And, if you’ve been keeping up with your porn news, you may now think of the most recent HIV outbreak in the industry. Or you may think of the detached look on the faces of girls from Eastern Europe who have been trafficked into the industry. If you really think about porn it is actually pretty damn depressing.

But it doesn’t have to be. There is good porn out there. Porn that is made with the use of condoms, with the safety of the actors in mind and with their comfort being paramount. There are videos where female pleasure is a focal point of the production, where female orgasms in all their complex glory are real and not ridiculous spectacles. There are pornos with real both male and female bodies, where diversity is embraced not exploited.  There is pornography where the chemistry between the actors is more important than the camera angle. And yes there is even porn that is gloriously free of the messy money shot.

The only catch is you have to pay for this high-quality orgasmic material.

Paying for porn is something no one in our generation really does. As soon as our homes got that first dial-up connection we were online to download porn at an agonizingly slow rate. As the internet got faster we upgraded to cable and to streaming videos, never thinking at any moment that it should cost us something to consume this sexy material.

But we all know the good things in life aren’t free (unless you’re talking about the RedEye of course 😉 )

The good porn, sometimes called “feminist” porn and sometimes, called “ethical” porn, takes time, money and talent to produce, and therefore it requires some green to get your horny little hands on it.

I know for many this concept of “paying for porn” may be a little foreign so let me give you a few places to start your holiday shopping.

  1. Nina Hartley has an amazing instruction video line that is not only sexy but educational! You can get everything from some basic vanilla tips for couples to some kinky foot play.
  1. For the LGBorT person in your life, check out the Crash Pad Series.
  1. Anything by Tristan Taramino! Trust me. Just go google her now.

And while we are talking about paying for porn, why should Christmas be the only holiday to get all the sexy time? Think about buying some ethical porn for Valentine’s Day, birthdays, graduations, Yom Kippur, Veteran’s Day. And while we are at it, why does it have to be a gift? Treat yourself to a little ethical porn on a slow Wednesday. Because, the truth is folks, you deserve better than free.

Diamonds are stupid

In today’s RedEye, why I think diamonds are silly for engagements….

“Look, I know some people just love how diamonds look and think they are totally worth the money. To them I say mazel tov! To those who are doing the whole diamond thing because they think it is what they “should” do or because it’s what has always been done, I say gold bands work just as well, and $5,000 can buy you a pretty sweet honeymoon. Or a gently used but reliable Geo Prism.”

Read the full opinion below….

Diamonds are stupid forever

‘Tis the season when my Pinterest board fills up with ridiculously overpriced glittery white dresses, “rural” chic reception décor and, of course, obnoxiously oversized diamond engagement rings. It’s engagement season in a digital age; here, you don’t have to subtly hint to your boyfriend that it’s time to tie the knot, you can just direct him to your “wedding bling” page. Ah, #romance.

Part of me gets it. Wedding culture, from Cinderella to Bridezilla, has indoctrinated generations of ladies. I get that they believe their happily ever after begins and ends entirely on their wedding day. I get that they would want a big gigantic ring to commemorate that (at least until the credit card bill comes in). I get that diamonds are shiny and pretty.

But guys, let’s be real. Diamonds are silly. In my humble—although admittedly not engaged—opinion, they are not worth it. Let me try to persuade you with a few reasons you should get married sans diamond.

1) Diamonds weren’t always “necessary” for an engagement; for hundreds of years, the engagement ring was just a simple gold or iron band. Then some archduke in the 1400s made a diamond ring for his bride (I should note he died in a mountain of debt after living beyond his means). Then, for centuries, diamonds were only for the uber-wealthy—that is, until diamonds were discovered in Africa. De Beers quickly bought up the mines, exploited miners and then convinced the American public that engagement rings needed diamonds through the “a diamond is forever” campaign. Not exactly a romantic story, unless you’re Ayn Rand.

2) I dare you to watch “Blood Diamond” with Leonardo DiCaprio and feel nothing.

3) Diamonds are really effin’ expensive! Most of the rings I’ve seen my friends pinning cost four to five thousand dollars. That is more than my car. And my little Geo does useful things, like drive me to the grocery store so I don’t have to ride the bus carrying sad bags stuffed with Lean Cuisines and PBR. Why would you waste $5,000 on something meant to just look pretty?

4) Most diamond settings look tacky, gaudy and oh-so-boring. You can get cheaper, prettier stuff from local Chicago jewelers. Just check out Etsy!

5) And finally, I’m going to get a little judge-y here: It feels like some people get diamond rings to impress other people, not to symbolize their love. Lord knows I’m all for consumerism, but marrying someone should be the one thing you don’t do to impress others; you should do it to make your life eternally better because you now have a partner to share it with. I know, sappy. But really, if you start your marriage trying to keep up with the Joneses, then that is all you will ever do.

Look, I know some people just love how diamonds look and think they are totally worth the money. To them I say mazel tov! To those who are doing the whole diamond thing because they think it is what they “should” do or because it’s what has always been done, I say gold bands work just as well, and $5,000 can buy you a pretty sweet honeymoon. Or a gently used but reliable Geo Prism.

Printed in the RedEye 10 December 2013