I gave my first official lecture today called “Sex and the Internet: Let’s talk about Porn!” I was so freaking nervous but it went miraculously well. It makes me excited to do this more and to one day have my own course! yay for the future of teaching porn!
Sometimes I’m actually afraid I’ll forget how to have “real” sex; that one day I’ll be naked with someone lovely and I’ll ask him to hold my leg up and out so the non-existent camera can get a better angle of my cooch, or I’ll leave on my socks and shoes for traction, or worse yet, I’ll forget to kiss my partner, to look into his eyes and remember that he is a person, that we are people connecting for reasons other than for a camera.
I’ve been on my steady stream of mainstream porn now for about 6 weeks and the effects are real and slightly terrifying. Beyond coding every single sexual situation I see, I’m beginning to worry I won’t be able to actually connect with someone again on a physical level without hearing imaginary bow-chicka-bow-wow music in my head.
Without delving too deeply into my dating habits in my new city, let me just say I have met a bevy of wonderful young men, none of whom have tickled my particular fickle fancy. Which is to say I’m am single, a status I’m used to, but one that feels particularly lonely now that I’ve surrounded myself of images of strangers banging. Without having a partner to balance out the images of fake boobs and inhumanly large penises, I’m afraid my brain is forgetting what it is to have intimate sex.
Or maybe I’m just horny.
Either way, this is becoming a rather painful processing of uncomfortable learning. I feel unbalanced, pushed to my edge of what is not just comfortable, but rationale and even spiritually safe. It is here – teetering – that I contemplate just how much of my personal life, my sexuality, my balance I will willingly give up. It is here that I have to admit: I’m afraid I won’t regain my comfort and ease with real life sex; that this project will somehow change forever how I view sex and not in a better way.
Nicholas Kristoff had a little ditty in the NYT about the relevancy of academics in society today, basically suggesting that we, aka academics, are making ourselves irrelevant with all our big words and confusing stats. And I kind of agree. Especially because it doesn’t have to be this way. We are relevant; we just need to do a better job communicating our usefulness. Check out the article here.
penis cake on a Friday night…good way to start out of first sex lucky party with some amazing new friends!
I knew it would happen. I knew I would hit that point where porn was no longer some fun; when porn became work. It happened this week.
Part of what drew me to porn research was the fact that I consumed porn a decent amount on my own. It was an interest I developed early in life. As soon as I got my own computer in my room, I was slowly downloading naughty images from the internet. They fascinated me and made me horny. I liked porn even though I knew as a girl I shouldn’t. As a researcher I wanted to find out why porn was fun for women.
But first I had to find out what porn was which entails coding videos in excruciating details. After 4 weeks of this I can no longer watch a video for fun. When I tried to watch James Deen’s most recent video, I just kept coding every action. “Remember to code that spank,” I would remind myself mentally. “Oh I think his finger slipped into her butt. Remember to code for anal stimulation.” “ I really hope this video ends before he cums,” I thought to myself because this meant not having to code for location of cum on recipient.
All of which is to say, this porn study is a major buzzkill.
Coding porn, rocking my oversized feminist sweatshirt, still hating all the spitting